Something In The Water
by ShiverBoo
Summary: Humor. OneShot. Many gay sexual innuendos. Hermione and Draco may be the only straight couple at Hogwarts. That calls for an interesting story in itself.


**Disclaimer: Not the characters, just the extremely fucked up plot.**

**ShiverBoo presents…**

**Something in the Water?**

"Why did you do that?" Hermione asked.

"Uhh…because I felt like it? Duh!"

"Well you didn't have to, I told you not to."

"Wait…what did I do?"

"You told Ron that I like him, you ass."

"Oh yeah," Harry snickered. "I remember now. That was fun."

"Why would you do that? You know I like Draco!"

"Eww, don't remind me," he gagged. "Gross. Besides, you and Ron are like perfect for each other."

"Dude, he's like my brother, that would be like us two dating."

"Well I wouldn't mind that," he said with a wink.

"Eww Harry, don't say that, I don't like you or Ron that way and now Ron thinks that I like him and I'm going to have to explain to him that I don't that Draco is going to have a fit over this," Hermione rambled.

"Damn straight I'm going to have a fit. Fortunately, I have no qualms against eavesdropping—and I know that it's not your fault love," Draco said from the doorway. "Now I know that it's Potter's ass I have to beat down. Brace yourself," he said snidely as he lunged for Harry.

"Fuck!" Harry screamed as he tore away before Draco could get to him.

Harry ran down the hall with Draco following close behind. Hermione gave out a huff and stood there for a second, then she felt a tap on her shoulder.

"Er…Hermione, can I talk to you?" Ron said when Hermione turned around.

"Shit," Hermione muttered. "Yeah?" she said a bit louder. "What's up?"

"Uh, Hermione, I'm sorry but I don't really like you that way and I know that Harry said that I like you too but I don't…"

"Ron, it's okay, I don't like you either."

"Sweet. Uh-oh…"

"Stay away from her Weasley!" Draco yelled.

"I didn't do anything…wait, what?"

"Yeah…what?" Hermione asked disbelievingly. Draco had _never _admitted to liking her. Outside of the bedroom, that is.

"Yeah…what?" Harry asked in a saccharine voice, walking up to them with a bruised eye and a bloody lip.

"Uhh…" Draco stammered as he ran his hand through his hair. "I just said…umm…I didn't want her and him like making out in front of me or anything. I wanted to be spared the visual of Hogwarts happy couple. That's all." When no one, except for Ron who is gullible anyway, believed him he groaned loudly. "Oh fuck it! I love her. She's mine, not yours Weasel!"

"I never wanted her, you can have her!" Ron yelled.

"Ron, that was mean," the words that Draco had said sunk in. "Wait, you love me?" she asked Draco.

"Bloody hell!" Harry screamed as realization sunk in. "That's why you chased me! I thought it was just a bloody crush, Hermione!"

"Chased you, and beat you up. Can't forget that," Draco said in a sexy drawl. "And yeah," he said while smiling gently towards Hermione. "I guess I do love you."

Hermione looked at him a long while to make sure he was completely truthful, then she ran to him and kissed him. "I love you, too."

Harry and Ron just looked upon this in slight disgust.

"Why don't we get out of here?" Draco said with a smirk.

"Don't bother. I'm going to the lavatory to puke anyway. Ron, why don't you come too. Give them (cough) privacy." Harry walked away.

Ron looked from Draco to Hermione with a slightly nauseous look on his face. "Yeah…I'm going with him. Ugh…" Ron groaned and then followed Harry out the door.

"More like privacy for themselves," Draco sneered. "I think they're gay."

"I don't care about them right now, Draco," Hermione said, although she was already becoming oblivious to the world around her.

Yeah, what can I say, they kissed, made out, went back to his room and yeah, did other things.

Meanwhile in the bathroom: Harry and Ron were complaining.

"Why would you tell me that she liked me? Why would you say something like that? You know I liked her. Do you know how hard it is to tell someone that you love that you don't like them? My god, my parents would be furious if the knew that I liked her, they are Death Eaters, Harry!"

"They are?"

"Yes, and they would not approve of me if I was in love with a Mudblood."

"Holy hell, Ron. Your parents…Molly and Arthur Weasley, are Death Eaters?"

"Yeah, and so am I!" he said, pulling up the sleeve of his arm to reveal the red tattoo.

"Oh, shit. You haven't been…you know, spying…have you?" Harry asked worriedly as he ran his hand through his messy hair.

"No, I have been spying for the Order, but my parents seem to think it's the other way around," Ron yelled.

"Thank god!" Harry sighed relieved. "I though for a minute there that you were using me or something." Harry shook his head wildly to regain focus. "So you're a Death Eater, huh. What's that like?" he asked, trying to make conversation while he waited desperately for someone to come in the bathroom and break the tension.

Suddenly the door slammed open and Snape walked in, dragging a woman behind him.

"Not the distraction I was looking for, but it works," Harry mumbled to no one in particular.

"Mr. Potter, Mr. Weasley! Out!" Snape bellowed at the students who responded by running like bats out of hell from the bathroom.

When they were safe outside Ron dared to speak.

"Maddened with lust, that one."

"No joke," Harry laughed before there was another awkward silence.

"Well…I'm going to go down to the library to do my…er…charms homework," Ron stuttered.

"Yeah. See ya then," Harry said as he looked down to hide his flushed face. Ron turned to leave but Harry suddenly jumped towards him and grabbed his arm. "Fuck it, Ron," he whispered as his eyes twinkled. "Fuck it. I…" he began. "I…"

"You what? Stop stuttering!" Ron yelled.

_Enter corny music…_

_I think I love you, but what am I so afraid of…_

"I'm tired. See ya tomorrow," he said before hurrying off.

"Yeah," Ron said hesitantly before stalking off to the library.

0000

That night, after Ron had finished his charms essay with the help of Seamus and Harry had had an exhausting afternoon of Quidditch practice with old alumni—Oliver, Fred, and George had all returned to "help" Harry a bit, Ron and Harry met up again and Harry was determined to talk to Ron.

"Ron. I need to tell you something."

"What?"

"Ron, I just wanted to tell you that I just er…practiced, with your brothers, and yes, you are so much better than them, Ron," Harry said softly.

"You really think that I'm better than my brothers?" Ron asked.

"And Oliver, though he has more…er…stamina."

"Well, practice makes perfect. I just need to practice more, Harry," Ron explained.

"I was hoping you would say that, Ron," Harry replied with a wink. "Although I am kind of tired now. Practice was exhausting."

"Fine, meet me in the library at ten tomorrow morning, it's Sunday, no one will be in there, restricted section," Ron said quietly before turning his heel to go find someone else to…practice…on. Harry stalked to his room to lie down, wondering when he realized that almost the entire male population of Hogwarts was gay.

0000

Hermione woke up and found Draco entwined with her. One arm lay heavily over her waist and the other was under her head. Their legs were twisted together but they were so close that she could feel his chest rise and hit her back before it settled again.

She found it difficult. But finally managed to turn around in his arms while he remained undisturbed. She lifted one arm and gently ran her fingers through his hair. Suddenly his eyes flashed open and she let out a startled gasp.

"You scared me," she laughed when she was over her shock.

"So sorry," he said.

"Yeah," she snorted unladylike. "Right!" she laughed and buried her head into his chest. After a few minutes she got up to shower and get ready for the day. Draco decided to do the same.

0000

After they showered, Hermione decided to go to the library to finish her potions essay that was due in three weeks. Draco decided to follow. As they left, Draco looked at the clock, ten to ten.

As they approached the library Draco saw Harry enter from the side entrance. "Oh god," he thought. "He better not try to talk to Hermione while we are in there, I don't want him near her." But to his surprise Harry was nowhere to be seen once they went in and sat down. "All the better," he thought slyly as he wound his arm around Hermione's waist.

They sat quietly at a table for a time, Hermione working on the essay and Draco watching her working on the essay. Then Hermione got up and grabbed a piece of parchment out of her bag.

"Where are you going?" Draco asked.

"I need a book for the end of this, I already got permission from Professor Snape to use the restricted section," Hermione said, holding up the piece of parchment.

"Have fun," Draco said lazily, not wanting to get up.

Hermione smiled at him, showed the permission slip to Madame Pince and walked into the restricted section.

Draco was reading through what Hermione had written so far when he heard Hermione scream and saw her run from the shelves.

"Oh my god!" she screamed, wiping her eyes and hoping that if she rubbed them hard enough, the image of what she had just seen would disappear.

"What the hell?" he asked her loudly. Madame Pince glared at the two of them while issuing a loud "Shh!"

"Eww, Eww, Eww!" she cried while still furiously nearly gouging out her eyes.

Draco reached up and snapped her arms down to her sides. "What. Did. You. See?" he asked her softly yet demanding an answer.

Hermione swallowed visibly before confessing. "Harry. Ron. Restricted Section. Eww!" she finished and Draco looked over her shoulder to see Harry run out, closely followed by Ron; both looking disheveled.

"Hermione!" Harry gasped. "It's not what it looks like!"

"Then what is it Potter?" Draco asked angrily. He hated seeing Hermione upset like this.

"Yeah, Harry. Fill me in on what it was then," Hermione sneered.

"Yeah, Harry! What was it?" Ron asked, now just as angry as Hermione and Draco.

"Er…Hermione, what did you really expect, you know that every guy in Hogwarts is gay," Harry said, trying to get out of this sticky situation.

"Hey Potter, I'm not gay," Draco added.

"I don't care about you…wait, you're not gay?"

"No, definitely not."

"But…no, that cant be, you're bi then," Harry said.

"One-hundred percent straight. Poof," Draco said smugly.

"But then, why would Blaise lie to me?"

"What the HELL did he say to you Potter. And don't lie, I'll know," he added while giving Harry a death glare that only he could pull off.

"Er…he didn't say anything," Harry tried.

Draco's hand found it's way around Harry's throat. "Tell me!"

"He said that him and you had a relationship, that he wasn't a virgin, that he lost it to you," Harry said breathlessly, trying to gasp for air.

"Fucking Queer!" he released Harry and then turned to Hermione. "I never…you know I didn't."

"Yes," she interrupted. "I know." She turned to Harry. "So everyone is gay. Interesting."

"Yeah, haven't you realized that the guys get action all the time and the girls all seem to be virgins," Harry said.

"No, Lavender and Parvati sat that they get action all the—oh dear god—are all the girls gay too?"

"Who knows," Ron said.

"Draco, are we the only heterosexual couple in Hogwarts?" Hermione asked Draco.

"Seems to be so, my love," Draco smiled.

"Well," she smiled. "No competition."

"Yeah," he laughed, much to Harry and Ron's surprise.

Harry spoke out to Draco. "So, wait a second. You're not gay, not bi, and you're not a cold-hearted asshole?"

"Well, some think I am. I like a rough exterior," he explained.

"Ah, but a super soft interior!" Hermione giggled as she wrapped her arms around him.

Harry and Ron looked at them in disgust and Harry pulled a handful of Galleons out of his pocket, giving them to Ron.

"Fine, you win," Harry said and walked away.

"Ha-ha!" Ron laughed.

"What was that?" Draco asked Ron with venom in his eyes.

Ron was too busy counting the galleons to notice. "We just had a bet on whether or not you were gay. I knew you weren't so I won!"

"How did you know?" he asked, genuinely concerned about Ron's apparent belief and assurance in Draco's word.

To his relief Ron replied sarcastically. "Don't look too much into it Malfoy. I knew because you are too straight to be gay. Harry just thought you were gay because of your fashion sense and general hygiene habits."

"What do you know of my hygiene habits?" Draco asked angrily.

"One question to answer that. How much time so you spend on your hair in the morning?" Ron asked.

"I don't know, 30 minutes," Draco answered.

"My point exactly, goodbye lovebirds," Ron chortled as he went off in search of Harry, they hadn't finished after all.

"He is right, you know. You spend more time on your hair than I need to get completely ready in the morning," Hermione agreed.

"No comment," he said.

"But I love you all the more for it!" she assured him. "Oh yeah, I have to get that book from the restricted section. Let me grab it and then we can go to class, ok?"

"It's Sunday, we don't have classes," he reminded her.

"Oh, I don't mean those classes. I meant one-on-one tutoring. I've got a few things to teach you."

"Of course you did, loser," Draco smiled. "But I could use the tutoring anyway."

"You could use? Or you want?" she asked slyly before slipping away. She ran into the restricted section and when she returned she was met with a surprise.

"Bloody hell," she whispered.

Draco pushed Harry off of him. "Potter, I told you, I'm not gay!" he yelled.

"I had to make sure!" Harry retorted.

"Hermione, can you please tell him that I am not gay."

"Er…Draco, were you just kissing Harry?" Hermione asked.

"He kissed me!" Draco yelled.

"It's okay, Draco. If you're gay, I don't care," Hermione said.

"I'M NOT A FUCKING POOF!" Draco yelled.

Reluctantly, Harry walked over to Hermione and gave her a handful of galleons as well.

"I told you," Hermione laughed as Harry left in a huff.

"What was that about?" Draco yelled.

"He likes you," Hermione smiled, counting the galleons.

"No shit!" he screamed. "Now that you have your money, I suggest you leave me out of your bets from now on! You are going to ruin my rep!"

"What rep, I bet that you _weren't _gay."

"But if anyone else sees me kissing Potter, they wont think that!"

"Why do you care, everyone else in the school is gay, we are the weird ones for not being gay too. No one will think anything of it if you were kissing Harry," she smiled.

"Well, I like being the weird one, and why is everyone in this school gay anyway?" he asked.

"I'm not sure. Do you think the teachers are too?" Hermione asked, genuinely curious.

"Well, I know for a fact that Snape isn't, but everyone else, I'm not sure."

"Ha-ha!" Hermione laughed. "Can you imagine Dumbledore or McGonagall being—" but she stopped short as her eyes widened in horror. "Eww! I can't believe I just thought about that, I'm never going to be able to look either one in the face ever again!"

"You're so adorable when you're angry or confused or—hell, you're cute all the time!" Draco said as he scooped her up into a big hug.

"Wow, you are acting really weird, Draco. What's wrong with you? You're never this…lovey-dovey."

"I guess that now that I am already shunned by the rest of the population of this school and there are no other girls to go out with, I have to be especially nice to you, my love."

"You're sweet," Hermione said with a small smile. "But let's get going."

"Where to?"

"Breakfast, first, but then you have tutoring." Hermione winked at him and he followed her out to the hall.

FINIS

**A/N: Brittany is this. _Amber is this! (Sorry about forgetting this story in the outline of updates I set up in the last chapter of Wedding Night (7) I forgot about it!)_**

**We hope you like the next screwed up one-shot by ShiverBoo. It makes you wonder if there is something in our water. We will keep writing these non-cliché, completely fucked up things if we get lots and lots of reviews.**

_**We were going to keep going, but we couldn't decide what to write so we stopped. Hope you all don't mind. If you do, read on… We'll tell you how we feel about flames.**_

**We have also been flamed more than probably anyone on this website. _(Although, I (Amber) would like to amend this statement… There was one story I read that was a fucked up plot with Voldemort, Lockhart, and Harry all in St. Mungo's… Not only was the plot line bad, the writing sucked to. That may have received more flames than ours… yes, I think it did)_ They make us laugh, so if you want to flame, send them in. We need a good laugh every day; people say that it's healthy. **

**Hope you are enjoying ShiverBoo and much as we are!**

**Much love from Brittany and Amber (BooBack and SilverShiver)**

Amber again, this time writing from South Dakota. I've managed to find a hotel with Internet, and I wanted to clear up some stuff. You may have noticed that Wedding Night is gone. We were reported for abuse or whatnot, but that is not the point. I need to know if you would be interested in a sequal or not. We will re-post Wedding Night so that you can still read it or whatever, but we've had requests for a sequal. I just want to see if there is public demand.

That is all.

Amber


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